Will My Ex Be Back Quiz: Mending My Broken Heart

It is Okay to Mourn

Grief requires mourning.  Give yourself permission to get over the relationship.  Call in sick to work if you need to.

Write a letter to your ex spilling out all of the hurt you have.  It is okay for this letter to run pages and pages long.  But don’t send it.  Instead, when you have poured out your heart on paper, burn it.  This will help you bring closure to the relationship.

You may also want to create a “divorce ceremony” to help you bring closure to the relationship.  Just as the bride and groom take two separately lit candles and together light a unity candle to signify their new union at a wedding, you can create a divorce ceremony that signifies your new single state.  Your ex may wish to join you in this ceremony or you can do it yourself.

Congratulate Yourself on Being Human

Part of being human is experiencing the hurts of everyday life.  Life hurts – but there are great parts too.  Acknowledging that there is both pain and joy in life will help you appreciate the human experience more.

You may want to develop a helpful mantra to help you get through this stage in your life.  A mantra is a mind tool which is used like a barbell for the mind.  You repeat a short phrase frequently to help you develop that mindset.  You might say “I am a lovable person” to yourself with a great frequency – especially when you are feeling unlovable.

During this time, you should reach out to a close friend or family member for support.  Your ex was a big part of your support system prior to the break up.  Because he is no longer there, you need to strengthen the other facets of the support system you have in place.

You also need to remember what is good about you.  Make a list of the things you offer a potential partner.  If you are loving, giving, and an easy conversationalist, dwell on these things rather than the fact that your ex didn’t want you anymore.

Also, remember that it’s not always about you.  Your ex had other things going on in his life that were independent of whatever you brought to the relationship.  When he said “it’s not you, it’s me,” maybe it was.

Finally, honor how you are feeling.  Don’t dismiss your emotions quickly just because they are uncomfortable.  Part of being human is to have these hard emotions.  They help you grow.

Next Article in this series of article on "Mending My Broken Heart" will continue tomorrow.

Article 2 In a Series of Articles on Mending My Broken Heart

Another way people try to get even after a break up is to enter into a rebound relationship.  Some people try to replace their ex right away as a way of getting over the ex.  These relationships almost always fail and a person is hurt a second time.

A more productive thing to do with your time is to finalize the end of the relationship.   For instance, exchange all of the “things” that you have of the other’s.  If there are “things” that you don’t necessarily need to exchange (ie. his toothbrush), then throw them away.  Get rid of any of the things that remind him of you.

And, as you reach the end of the “getting even” phase, you can begin to see the whole event as a learning experience.  Maybe you have learned that there is a specific type of person that you want to avoid in the future.  Maybe you have learned some things about yourself that will make you a better partner in the future. 

Eventually, you will reach the final stage which is not giving a damn.  You will start to wonder what you saw in your ex in the first place.  Perhaps you will always have a special place in your heart for your ex, but seeing him with another woman won’t be the end of the world.  At this stage, it is possible to move back into a friendship relationship with your ex.

You will also be ready to move into a new relationship yourself.  If you still have strong feelings (even negative ones) towards your ex, it’s a rebound relationship.  But, if you don’t give a damn about him, you can develop strong positive feelings toward a new man.

What is Grief

The reason you feel so terribly after a break up is that you are going through a normal human emotional reaction known as grief.  What is grief?  Grief is the specific process of letting go of an attachment to a person.

When we think of grief, we usually associate it with the death of a loved one.  But, sometimes, the grief is actually stronger with a break up.  One woman’s first husband died suddenly.  Some time later, she remarried and that relationship ended in divorce.

The woman related that the divorce was more emotionally devastating than the death of her husband.  That’s because there was a normal mechanism for dealing with grief when someone dies, but when you break up with a person you loved, people tend to tell you to “get over it.”  There’s no support for breaking up grief.

Whether the grief is over someone who died or over someone you lost through break up, it goes through four stages.

The first stage of grief is denial.  You may be saying to yourself “I can’t believe that he left me” or “I can’t believe that she likes him better.”  These are normal reactions.

Next, you will move on to an acceptance of the situation that is infused with anger.  You believe that the person has really broken your heart and you are angry with them for doing that.

In time, you will be able to acknowledge your sadness without the strong emotional response of anger.  During this time, you need to take care of yourself and your needs.

Article 3 in this series of articles will be continued tomorrow. Meanwhile take a look at this below:


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Article 1 In a Series of Articles on Mending My Broken Heart

This new article serie will be about  what troubles most of us with relation problems; the pain from a broken or hurted heart and how to mend it. We will start with a verse from a song with Bee Gees.

“And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend a this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.”
--Bee Gees

How do You Mend a Broken Heart

Just as you didn’t fall in love overnight, you won’t fall out of love overnight.  And, we call the process of falling out of love “mending a broken heart.” 

There are several stages to mending a broken heart.

First, there is the hurting stage.  During this stage, the pain can feel so bad that you may want die rather than experience it.  People often try to drown their symptoms by drinking, taking drugs, or cutting themselves.

There are other, less severe symptoms as well.  For instance, crying often accompanies the painful period after a break up. 

Some people use this time to “stalk” their ex.  Whether it is making midnight phone calls, millions of texts, or going over to their home to monitor their behavior, stalking is a way of keeping tabs on an ex.

Others lean on friends during this period.  Good friends can give you the emotional support you need to move on.

During this initial period of hurting, it is important to develop strong coping skills.  For instance, it is good to rekindle friendships that you didn’t have time for when the relationship was going strong. 

Talking to other people about how they dealt with a break up is another excellent way to cope.  Not only will you get survival strategies, it will confirm your belief that other people have gone through the same thing – and lived to tell the tale.

It is important at this stage of the game to think happy thoughts.  Just remembering that there are pleasant things in the world will help you live through this tough stage in your life.

Finally, you should begin to focus on you.  Breaking up means taking the “I” out of the “We.”  So, now is a good time to begin looking at how you can meet your needs – especially the needs that were not met in the relationship itself.

The next stage of the break up is “getting even.”  During this time, you want to repay your ex with all of the misery he has doled out on you.  Getting even is not a healthy phase of getting over a relationship, and you should do everything you can to minimize the time you spend in this place.

During this time, you may try to make your ex’s life a living hell.  This can involve things like crank calling them dozens of times, sending them a computer virus, and threatening them.  All of these are bad ideas.  Not only can they get you in trouble within your own social group and potentially in trouble with the law, they also delay your own recovery.

Article 2 in this series of articles will continue tomorrow.

Dont forget the sun behind the clouds because somehow the sun will shine again even if it´s trying times.
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Article 6 In This Series of Articles on Compatibility is the Concluding Article

Family

Charlene, age 38, had two children from a previous marriage.  They were 16 and 18 and would soon be in college.  When she met Pete, she felt that she had raised her family and was now looking forward to a home without kids.

After a few dates, Pete told Charlene that he had never had kids and felt that he had missed out on a big part of life as a result.  He pointed out that she still had a few child bearing years left and inquired about whether she was willing to start over again.

This was a big issue for Charlene.  She wasn’t sure she was ready for the commitment to diapers, PTA meetings, little league games, and teen age antics all over again.

She knew that this was a big issue for Pete too.  Because her own kids had given her life shape and meaning, she couldn’t say that he shouldn’t have them.  She also knew that if she didn’t agree to have kids, Pete might leave her for a younger woman who would.

But the issue of children is not the only kind of family issue that arises. 

Blake and Rebecca met on a Single’s cruise and had a wonderful 7 days together.  When they got back on land, Rebecca discovered that Blake’s mom, who was suffering from Multiple Sclerosis lived with him.  She realized that if the relationship were to progress, she would have to take on some of the caretaking responsibilities for his mom.  She also realized that they would never live alone as a couple.

When you marry someone, you marry their family as well.  Sometimes, that means you roll your eyes at the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.  But other times, it means taking on the serious issues that go along with caring for the other people in your life.

Determining your attitude toward children and toward an extended family is one of the core compatibility issues couples face.

How To Get Ex Back

Conclusion

You don’t have to be 100 percent compatible on every issue to have a healthy, happy relationship.  In fact, I would be surprised if any couple does.

What is important is that you can agree on enough of the “big” issues that the small ones work themselves out. 

Here are five ways to handle compatibility roadblocks.

1. Acknowledge that the roadblock exists.  Don’t gloss over your differences or pretend they don’t matter at the beginning of the relationship.  Deal with them early on.

2. Learn about your partner’s life experiences including their ethnic and cultural background, religion, political ideals, and generational differences.  This can help you get rid of misconceptions based on thse differences from the beginning.

3. Don’t think that every disagreement is a compatibility issue.  Just because you want to have Valentine’s dinner at an Italian restaurant and your partner wants to go for French does not mean that you are fundamentally incompatible. 

4. You can agree to disagree by agreeing that mutual respect overcomes a great deal of incompatibility.  Resist the urge to try to “convert” your partner to your political or religious views.

5. Seek common ground.  Try focusing on the issues you can agree on.  Work from your strengths and strengthen those things you have in common.

Love is what you make of it.  If you have a future with someone, you will undoubtedly find that you don’t have everything in common.  That’s okay.  In fact, that’s human.  Working on the areas where you have compatibility issues will strengthen your relationship.
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Article 5 In the Series of Articles On Compatability During a Romantic Relationship

Communication

Sarah was a talker and Paul was a doer.  Where Sarah started any number of conversations with “I want to talk to you about…” Paul would rather express his feelings for Sarah by taking her out to dinner or buying her a bouquet of flowers. 

One of the big problems in their relationship was that Sarah said “you’re not listening to me” while Pau said “you don’t appreciate the things I do for you.”

This is a classic case of having different communication compatibilities.  Because they express their love differently, Sarah and Paul are in trouble.

This doesn’t mean that their relationship is doomed though.  They have to be open to the idea that they communicate differently.

Sarah may need to get her verbal communication needs met with her female friends rather than her boyfriend.  Paul needs to listen more when Sarah talks.  Sarah needs to appreciate that the way Paul communicates is to take her to dinner or fix her toilet. 

Women tend to be more loquacious than men in general.  It is common for communications compatibility to be an issue in relationships.  Fortunately, this is an issue where “let’s talk” can really solve the problem.

Sex

Sex is an issue in many relationships.  Some people are more adventurous than others.  Others want sex frequently while their partners are satisfied with making love less. 

You should know that mastery of technique is one of the least important facets in a satisfying sex life.  If you are able to communicate your desires to your partner, you can learn and grow together.

But, if you have fundamental differences in your approach to sex, there may be problems.

Jodi and Tom got together and at first, their passion was white hot.  Or so Tom thought.  But, after a few months, it became clear that Jodi was indulging Tom when she didn’t really want to make love every night.

Tom was confused because he felt that Jodi had led him on to secure the relationship and was now changing the terms.  Jodi felt that she was settling down into a more “normal” sex life.

Through relationship counseling, Tom and Jodi were able to discuss their needs and desires. 

Life Habits

So many things get ignored at the beginning of a relationship.  A woman might not care that her new boyfriend doesn’t ever wash his car because she’s swept off her feet by him.  A man might not be concerned that his new girlfriend seems to spend more time at the beauty salon than she does in her own living room.

But soon these life habits become apparent and can cause friction in a relationship.

Jim believed that “early to bed and early to rise made a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.”  On Saturday mornings, he was out of bed at 6:30 for a run in the park.  When he got back around 8:00 a.m., he wanted to have a big breakfast and start the day.

Julia, was not ready to face the weekend so early in the morning.  Saturday was the one day she could catch up on her sleep and she valued her time in bed.

Eventually, Jim joined a men’s Bible study on Saturdays so he felt that the morning wasn’t wasted and Julia agreed to be up by 10:00 when he got back so they could spend the rest of the day together.

But compromising on these life habits issues isn’t always so simple.  Sometimes, they’re deal breakers.  There’s only so much you can bend before you break.

Article 6 will conclude this series of articles on "compatibility in a romantic relationship".

Article 4 In This Series of Articles on Compatability Issues In a Romantic Relationship

Will My Ex Be Back Quiz

Work

Pamela had worked hard to break through every glass ceiling in her career.  She had been the only female Ph.D. candidate in physics in her class.  She had initially found it difficult to land a tenure track position because many faculty members believed that scientific research was incompatible with the “mommy track.”

Eventually, she proved her ilk as a science professor and became head of the department at a major research university.  From there, she had become dean of the School of Natural Science.

A promotion to Vice President of Academic Affairs at a university across the country followed.  That’s where she met Tim.

Tim was a psychologist.  He had given a presentation at the university on stress management that Pamela attended.  Intrigued by his ideas, she invited him to lunch.

She found that he had very different perspectives about work than she did.  For instance, he put in eight or nine hours a day but didn’t work weekends ever.  While he was proud of what he had accomplished in his career, it didn’t define him.

He recognized how hard she had worked to get to where she had gotten but worried about the toll it had taken on her.  At 44, she had never been married and had had few meaningful relationships.

Tim set out to woo Pamela.  He found that many carefully planned dates were cancelled at the last minute because of pressing and unexpected work schedules.

Eventually, Tim and Pamela had to define how their relationship was going to work vis a vis their careers.  Tim told Pamela that he needed her to make at least as much of a commitment to their relationship as to her job.  Pamela told Tim that she needed him to understand how important her job was to her.

Because Tim and Pamela really wanted their relationship to work, they were willing to put real effort into it despite their basic work compatibility differences.  But this is an example of a couple who through love and communication were able to succeed despite different compatibility levels.

Romance that last

Independence

Tracie liked to read, sew, and do crossword puzzles.  She had a small circle of friends, most of whom she had met through church.  Aside from her job (one where she didn’t interact with people much), she saw groups of friends at church and maybe one other time a week.

Ted was new in town and joined Tracie’s church right away.  He was immediately seen as a “catch” by all of the single women.  But, he saw something in Tracie and didn’t have eyes for anyone else.

The problem was that Ted was always doing something.  He joined a softball league, started volunteering at a soup kitchen, and joined the choir.  He was always pressuring Tracie to go to his games, volunteer with him at the soup kitchen, and to join to choir too.

What Ted didn’t see at first was that Tracie enjoyed her quiet ways.  She needed space.  While Ted was energized by social contact with others, this kind of activity drained Tracie.

Eventually, they decided that Ted would continue to have an active social calendar and that Tracie could participate or not depending on her feelings. 

This actually left both parties feeling that they had control of their independence.  Ted was able to be independent because he could do the activities he liked and Tracie had independence because she could choose not to do them.

Another example of the importance of independence is Robyn and Chad.  Chad was the highly independent type.  He liked to be “free as a bird” and didn’t like to “report” his whereabouts to Robyn.

Robyn was quite insecure.  She liked to know where he was and when he would be in for the evening.  Her previous marriage had dissolved when she discovered that her ex husband had had a long term affair which made her insecure about any future relationships.

Chad and Robyn had to go into counseling to deal with this independence issue.  Chad had to acknowledge Robyn’s insecurities and Robyn had to acknowledge that Chad wasn’t her ex husband.

Article 5 in this series of articles on compatibility issues during a romantic relationship will pick up with discussing "communication and other issues."

Article 3 In This Series of Articles on Compatability Issues During A Romantic Relationship

Will My Ex Be Back Quiz

Sociability

How much independence do you need and desire in a relationship?  If you are in your 30s and never been married, you probably have developed a strong social network outside of a romantic relationship and will be reluctant to give that up just because you’ve fallen in love.

Jake was a computer programmer and spent long hours in front of his terminal.  He was naturally a shy, quiet type and didn’t require a lot of social interaction to make him happy.  When he did get away from his computer, he liked to go hiking alone or work out at the gym.  Basically, he was an independent type.

Then he met Terri who was far more social than he was.  She was a computer sales representative and her job involved making social connections in order to make sales.  She thrived on contact with people.

Terri and Jake met when she came to his office to sell a complicated hardware system.  The purchasing manager had called Jake in to get his opinion about the system.  Jake said he needed more information just so he could go out with drinks with Terri.

After the initial bloom of the relationship, Jake started retreating back into his solitary world.  He still wanted to spend time with Terri, but he had no desire to meet her friends or enter into her social world.  Terri was hurt by this because she was so interdependent on her social network and felt this was a rejection of her.

Terri and Jake finally went into couple’s counseling.  The therapist was able to help them see that they had different needs for independence.  Jake had to compromise by being more social occasionally while Terri had to respect his need for solitude a greater amount of time.

Top Notch Love Advice

Spirituality

Many parents express to their children that they would be disappointed if the child married someone outside of their religious faith.  Most of the time when we think of spirituality in terms of romantic compatibility we talk about specific religions.  But, there is more to spirituality than that.

It is true that if you hold true to a specific faith, it may be hard to become close to someone who doesn’t hold those tenants.  If you believe that anyone who doesn’t accept Jesus Christ as their personal Savior is doomed to Hell, then dating a Buddhist or a Muslim presents significant obstacles.

Maria was a devout Catholic and always assumed she would marry a Catholic man.  She met Jim who was a lapsed Lutheran and fell in love with him.  As they started talking about their wedding, they began to see obstacles that could plague them for the rest of their lives. 

For instance, Maria wanted to be married by a priest in a Catholic church.  That made Jim uncomfortable because he had no familiarity with the Catholic church.  When the priest told Jim he wouldn’t be permitted to take Communion at his own wedding, he balked.

That lead Jim and Maria to talk about other issues that they would face as a married couple.  For instance, Jim wanted to raise his kids to be exposed to a variety of faith traditions and think critically about religion in general.  Maria wanted to raise good Catholics.

As Jim and Maria began to discuss these issues, they realized that their initial attraction for each other was being dragged down by the issue of spiritual compatibility.  Maria began to see a priest for counseling and ultimately realized that she would be happier with a man who shared her faith and Catholic values.

Article 4 in this series will continue with "work compatibility issues" during a romantic relationship.