Article 6 In This Series of Articles on Compatibility is the Concluding Article

Family

Charlene, age 38, had two children from a previous marriage.  They were 16 and 18 and would soon be in college.  When she met Pete, she felt that she had raised her family and was now looking forward to a home without kids.

After a few dates, Pete told Charlene that he had never had kids and felt that he had missed out on a big part of life as a result.  He pointed out that she still had a few child bearing years left and inquired about whether she was willing to start over again.

This was a big issue for Charlene.  She wasn’t sure she was ready for the commitment to diapers, PTA meetings, little league games, and teen age antics all over again.

She knew that this was a big issue for Pete too.  Because her own kids had given her life shape and meaning, she couldn’t say that he shouldn’t have them.  She also knew that if she didn’t agree to have kids, Pete might leave her for a younger woman who would.

But the issue of children is not the only kind of family issue that arises. 

Blake and Rebecca met on a Single’s cruise and had a wonderful 7 days together.  When they got back on land, Rebecca discovered that Blake’s mom, who was suffering from Multiple Sclerosis lived with him.  She realized that if the relationship were to progress, she would have to take on some of the caretaking responsibilities for his mom.  She also realized that they would never live alone as a couple.

When you marry someone, you marry their family as well.  Sometimes, that means you roll your eyes at the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.  But other times, it means taking on the serious issues that go along with caring for the other people in your life.

Determining your attitude toward children and toward an extended family is one of the core compatibility issues couples face.

How To Get Ex Back

Conclusion

You don’t have to be 100 percent compatible on every issue to have a healthy, happy relationship.  In fact, I would be surprised if any couple does.

What is important is that you can agree on enough of the “big” issues that the small ones work themselves out. 

Here are five ways to handle compatibility roadblocks.

1. Acknowledge that the roadblock exists.  Don’t gloss over your differences or pretend they don’t matter at the beginning of the relationship.  Deal with them early on.

2. Learn about your partner’s life experiences including their ethnic and cultural background, religion, political ideals, and generational differences.  This can help you get rid of misconceptions based on thse differences from the beginning.

3. Don’t think that every disagreement is a compatibility issue.  Just because you want to have Valentine’s dinner at an Italian restaurant and your partner wants to go for French does not mean that you are fundamentally incompatible. 

4. You can agree to disagree by agreeing that mutual respect overcomes a great deal of incompatibility.  Resist the urge to try to “convert” your partner to your political or religious views.

5. Seek common ground.  Try focusing on the issues you can agree on.  Work from your strengths and strengthen those things you have in common.

Love is what you make of it.  If you have a future with someone, you will undoubtedly find that you don’t have everything in common.  That’s okay.  In fact, that’s human.  Working on the areas where you have compatibility issues will strengthen your relationship.
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Article 1 In The Series of Articles On Communication

Will My Ex Be Back

Introduction

Next time you go to a restaurant, take a close look at what the other couples are doing.  Some will be flirting.  Others will be engaged in meaningful communication.  Some will be outright arguing while others will be expressing their hostility silently through body language.  Whatever the actual activity going on at the table, these couples are communicating something to each other.

Ask anyone what the best way to keep a relationship going is and nine out of ten will tell you it’s communication.  This has become a buzzword for how to make a relationship work. 

But despite all the talk about communication, if you’ll excuse the pun, so many people don’t know how to integrate it into their relationships. 

This report will look at the importance of communication, Communication Techniques, what not to do when you want to communicate, what to disclose, what to do if your mate won’t talk, and how to talk about sex.

Will My Ex Be Back

Communication Techniques

First of all, it should be said that there are no right or wrong ways to express yourself.  However, some techniques tend to work better than others.  Keep in mind that communication is an ongoing process; one conversation does not communication make.  Don’t focus on the “big talks” at the expense of the every day casual conversation that lubricates a relationship.

One of the most important techniques to master is direct communication. So many people expect that their partner should know what they mean without anything ever being said.  You need to be clear and direct about what you want and need.

This is true whether you want a behavioral changed, reassurance, companionship, support, lovemaking, or clarification of your partner’s position on an issue.  Your husband or wife is not a mind reader.

Sometimes people are vague because they are uncomfortable asking for things directly.  They may not want to state their positions unequivocally.  But you should realize that when you are honest and straightforward, you have a better chance of getting what you need.

Consider the following two scenarios.

1.) “When would you like to go out to dinner?”
2.) “I’m hungry and I would like to eat now.”

If you are hungry and want to eat now, the second statement – honest and straightforward – is more likely to help you achieve your goal.  The first statement may lead to mutual frustration.  Your partner may interpret it as an open question.  He or she may be comfortable eating in an hour or two and has no idea that you want to eat now. 

Using this “I need” statement can help even when you have a complaint about your partner.  When you take responsibility for your statements, you can often elicit change. 

The first statement is passive aggressive.  It asks the partner to make a deduction as to the person’s need.  When the partner doesn’t give the “right” answer, the person becomes hostile and wonders why the partner is not responsive to his needs.  This simple break down in communication can lead to more pervasive breakdowns as the process cycles down.

Don’t fall into the trap of accusing your partner of things.  Instead, tell them what you need.  Here’s two scenarios:

1.) You always leave the toilet seat up.
2.) I need you to put the toilet seat down.

Article 1 continues in Article 2 tomorrow.

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Article 5 In The Series of Articles on From breaking Up to Making Up

Fix What's Wrong

Relationships rarely break up over “something minor.” Something minor may have triggered the event, but there was probably something much larger at play. The trigger was the tip of the ice burg, which, everyone knows, has a mountain underneath the sea.

So, analyze what really went wrong in the relationship and try to fix it. Work together to make choices that make you happy. If necessary, seek out a counselor to help you work through your issues.

Try to Grow and Change

A break up is actually a growth opportunity. You have had a chance to pause and reflect on what you really want out of the relationship and out of life. Use this experience as a chance to analyze who you are and how you got to this place in your life.

A break up is a warning sign that things out of balance in your life. It calls for some reflection on your part.

When you are mature about what is happening in your life, you can use this as a growth opportunity.

At that point, you will find that your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend will grow as well. You may find that you can move to the next level when you were stuck before.

Will My Ex Be Back

If You Don't Make Up

Not every break up will end up wit a reconciliation. So what happens when you don't make up?

Try to Leave on a Positive Note

A break up is painful experience. You are leaving behind someone who filled a special place in your life.

Try not to leave with a bitter taste in your mouth. While you may not be friends at the end, try to at least be friendly.

Don't Try to Be Friends Right Away

If you break up, don't think that being “just friends” is going to work – at least right away. You need to take a break from each other. It is going to be painful to see the other person at first. Give yourself a permission to be apart.

Don't Try to be Friends Right Away

One of the most common break up lines is that he or she wants to be “just friends.” Maybe – down the road – you will find that you can be “just friends” again. But right now, you need your space. Often being “just friends” leads to being “friends with benefits.” This means that you will have difficulty moving on and finding a new love.

It is great to be on good terms with all of the people in your life. And giving yourselves some space doesn't mean that you have to be hostile to each other.

But, don't incorporate your ex into your plans at first. It is necessary for you to rebuild a circle of friends without your ex during this period.

Of course, if you run in the same circles, you will see each other from time to time. Be polite. But don't go out of your way to be chummy.

In time, when you have both moved on and have developed other romantic relationships, you can explore the idea of a close friendship once again.
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Will My Ex Be Back:Article 6 in The Nuts and Bolts of Good Communication

Learning to Compromise

To find a satisfactory outcome when you disagree with your partner, generally you have to compromise. That means you get a little and you give a little. Ideally, both sides feel that they've “won”. A relationship succeeds only when both parties feel they have their needs met.

Here are some ways to compromise:

Split the Difference – meet each other half way. When discussing vacation plans and one person wants to go on a cruise and the other wants to go to Hawaii, consider a Hawaiian cruise.

Alternate your choices – if a Hawaiian cruise is out of the question (these are more expensive than Caribbean cruises or typical Hawaiian vacations), consider alternating doing one this year and one the next.

Alternate Concessions – If your partner feels strongly about one thing and you don't, agree to it on the basis that he or she will concede something you want.

Satisfy the Objections – when there are all or none choices (ie. Whether to have kids), discuss the objections each of you have. For instance, if a person is concerned about the financial burden of having a child, discuss ways to increase the household's income.

Pick Your Battles

You have only so many years on earth and you have only so much emotional energy. You simply can't fight over every single issue. So, pick your battles and limit your fights to the issues that really matter.

If you have multiple and complex issues with your partner, you are going to have to prioritize what issues are most important to you. Some psychologists recommend that you make a list of all of your grievances and then pick out the top three. Resolve to only confront those issues until you reach a satisfactory accord with your partner. Only then will you bring up anything else on the list.

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There is an old saying that you can “win the battle but lose the war.” Remember that you can win one concession after another and then have your partner walk out because there is simply nothing left in the relationship for him or her.

Another thing is that the more you fight with your partner and the more issues you deal with at any given time, the more likely it is that you will simply run out of the emotional energy needed to sustain the relationship. So, when dealing with grievances, pick your battles.

Choose the Right Time and Place for Confrontations

There are good times and bad times for everything. Taking your wife to a fancy French dinner and talking to her about tightening the belt – either for family finances or her own waistline – is a bad idea!

Productive conversations take place when you are not:

• Overheard
• Distracted
• Disturbed
• Interrupted

You should be able to focus on the issue at hand. It should be in a physical location where you can maintain eye contact. It should be in a place where both of you can feel physically and emotionally comfortable. Finally, you should plan the encounter so that you will have enough time to have a lengthy conversation and resolve the matter.

Conclusion

Relationships take work. The longer you are with your partner, the more issues you will have come up. As you grow and change personally, new issues will arise. As you move through the various stages of life – dating, marriage, children, growing old – you will face new challenges. All of these things require that you learn communications strategies that work.

The good news is that once you learn to communicate well, you can face these challenges effectively. While the birth of a child brings on new kinds of stress, the lessons you learned communicating when you were first married and learning to live with each other will come into play.

Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is not to “win.” When you love someone, the ultimate goal is to move the relationship into an ever more loving plane. You do this through implementing the various strategies mentioned in this report.

Now go communicate in a loving way! But first watch this Video!

Will My Ex Be Back:Article 4 on Nuts and Bolts of Good Communication

This article is a continuation of the series of articles on "The Nuts and Bolts of Good Communication" and picks up with:

Communicating Your Needs

You need to be able to share your needs in a calm, rational way. But, you also need to show respect for your partner. In a relationship, the partners are equal. As a result, you have the right – and the responsibility – to express your needs and desires.

Assertiveness has three components – what you say, how you say it, and your behavior when you say it. Your partner may not break down the components and analyze them, but they will sense the total package.

The content of your message is quite important. That includes the words you choose and the order in which you deliver them. There are two different ways to express assertiveness.

The first is to express a feeling. These statements start with “I feel...” The second is to express a request. One way to phrase this is “I would appreciate it if you would...”

Avoid statements that could be taken of acts of aggression rather than assertiveness. Instead of saying “You make me so mad,” say “I feel angry when you do that.”

Also, avoid telling other people what they feel or think. You are not a mind reader. This will either spiral the argument out of control or make your partner shut down.

Don't pretend to ask a question when you are really making a statement. If you want to go to a restaurant, don't say, “do you think we should go to the cafe tonight?” Instead, state what you want. Say, “I would like to go to the cafe. How do you feel about that?”

Don't call your partner names. Telling him or her that they are dumb, stupid, or idiotic is not going to open up lines of communication. Calling them names like “bimbo” or “bastard” are not effective communication tools.

Similarly, avoid power words like never and always. Things are not black and white. Don't make them out to be.

Will My Ex Be Back

The next part of assertiveness is how you deliver the words. The key elements to delivery include timing, volume, speed, pitch, and tone of voice.

Timing involves when you say what you say. For instance, if you cut your partner off mid-sentence, he or she is likely to feel that you are not respectful of what they are saying. This can lead to a situation where both of you are cutting each other off and speaking over the other.

Communication is a two way street. You need to listen to the other person before you speak. Each person should get a turn.

Volume is another aspect to respectful communication. You should try to keep all discussions – especially heated ones – at a conversational level. If you begin to get louder, take a deep breath and remodulate your voice.

The next component in communication is the speed at which you talk. When you get agitated, you will tend to talk faster. Whether consciously or unconsciously, your partner will pick up on this and respond to your agitation. Speed often goes hand in hand with volume. Together, they can ratchet up the intensity of the discussion or fight. So, when you catch yourself talking a mile a minute, catch yourself and slow down.

Some people have distinct pitches to their voice when they get emotional. Usually, their voice becomes higher in pitch. People associate high pitch with stress and lower pitch with calm. When you are arguing, try taking your pitch down a notch and see whether that doesn't calm the situation down.

Finally, the tone of voice you use conveys your mood through inflection. Think about the sentence “what did you do?” Ask that in a number of scenarios and see how your tone changes:

• When your spouse has just emptied out the bank account and gambled your rent money away.
• When your spouse has brought you flowers as a suprise for no reason at all
• When your spouse was out for the evening on a “girls night out” or a poker party and you approved of         it.
• When your spouse was away for 12 hours without letting you know where he was.

The tone of your voice can sometimes convey more than the words you speak.

Tomorrow's article will continue on the series of articles on "The Nuts And Bolts Of Good Communication".

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