Article 4 In This Series of Articles on Compatability Issues In a Romantic Relationship

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Work

Pamela had worked hard to break through every glass ceiling in her career.  She had been the only female Ph.D. candidate in physics in her class.  She had initially found it difficult to land a tenure track position because many faculty members believed that scientific research was incompatible with the “mommy track.”

Eventually, she proved her ilk as a science professor and became head of the department at a major research university.  From there, she had become dean of the School of Natural Science.

A promotion to Vice President of Academic Affairs at a university across the country followed.  That’s where she met Tim.

Tim was a psychologist.  He had given a presentation at the university on stress management that Pamela attended.  Intrigued by his ideas, she invited him to lunch.

She found that he had very different perspectives about work than she did.  For instance, he put in eight or nine hours a day but didn’t work weekends ever.  While he was proud of what he had accomplished in his career, it didn’t define him.

He recognized how hard she had worked to get to where she had gotten but worried about the toll it had taken on her.  At 44, she had never been married and had had few meaningful relationships.

Tim set out to woo Pamela.  He found that many carefully planned dates were cancelled at the last minute because of pressing and unexpected work schedules.

Eventually, Tim and Pamela had to define how their relationship was going to work vis a vis their careers.  Tim told Pamela that he needed her to make at least as much of a commitment to their relationship as to her job.  Pamela told Tim that she needed him to understand how important her job was to her.

Because Tim and Pamela really wanted their relationship to work, they were willing to put real effort into it despite their basic work compatibility differences.  But this is an example of a couple who through love and communication were able to succeed despite different compatibility levels.

Romance that last

Independence

Tracie liked to read, sew, and do crossword puzzles.  She had a small circle of friends, most of whom she had met through church.  Aside from her job (one where she didn’t interact with people much), she saw groups of friends at church and maybe one other time a week.

Ted was new in town and joined Tracie’s church right away.  He was immediately seen as a “catch” by all of the single women.  But, he saw something in Tracie and didn’t have eyes for anyone else.

The problem was that Ted was always doing something.  He joined a softball league, started volunteering at a soup kitchen, and joined the choir.  He was always pressuring Tracie to go to his games, volunteer with him at the soup kitchen, and to join to choir too.

What Ted didn’t see at first was that Tracie enjoyed her quiet ways.  She needed space.  While Ted was energized by social contact with others, this kind of activity drained Tracie.

Eventually, they decided that Ted would continue to have an active social calendar and that Tracie could participate or not depending on her feelings. 

This actually left both parties feeling that they had control of their independence.  Ted was able to be independent because he could do the activities he liked and Tracie had independence because she could choose not to do them.

Another example of the importance of independence is Robyn and Chad.  Chad was the highly independent type.  He liked to be “free as a bird” and didn’t like to “report” his whereabouts to Robyn.

Robyn was quite insecure.  She liked to know where he was and when he would be in for the evening.  Her previous marriage had dissolved when she discovered that her ex husband had had a long term affair which made her insecure about any future relationships.

Chad and Robyn had to go into counseling to deal with this independence issue.  Chad had to acknowledge Robyn’s insecurities and Robyn had to acknowledge that Chad wasn’t her ex husband.

Article 5 in this series of articles on compatibility issues during a romantic relationship will pick up with discussing "communication and other issues."

Article 3 In This Series of Articles on Compatability Issues During A Romantic Relationship

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Sociability

How much independence do you need and desire in a relationship?  If you are in your 30s and never been married, you probably have developed a strong social network outside of a romantic relationship and will be reluctant to give that up just because you’ve fallen in love.

Jake was a computer programmer and spent long hours in front of his terminal.  He was naturally a shy, quiet type and didn’t require a lot of social interaction to make him happy.  When he did get away from his computer, he liked to go hiking alone or work out at the gym.  Basically, he was an independent type.

Then he met Terri who was far more social than he was.  She was a computer sales representative and her job involved making social connections in order to make sales.  She thrived on contact with people.

Terri and Jake met when she came to his office to sell a complicated hardware system.  The purchasing manager had called Jake in to get his opinion about the system.  Jake said he needed more information just so he could go out with drinks with Terri.

After the initial bloom of the relationship, Jake started retreating back into his solitary world.  He still wanted to spend time with Terri, but he had no desire to meet her friends or enter into her social world.  Terri was hurt by this because she was so interdependent on her social network and felt this was a rejection of her.

Terri and Jake finally went into couple’s counseling.  The therapist was able to help them see that they had different needs for independence.  Jake had to compromise by being more social occasionally while Terri had to respect his need for solitude a greater amount of time.

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Spirituality

Many parents express to their children that they would be disappointed if the child married someone outside of their religious faith.  Most of the time when we think of spirituality in terms of romantic compatibility we talk about specific religions.  But, there is more to spirituality than that.

It is true that if you hold true to a specific faith, it may be hard to become close to someone who doesn’t hold those tenants.  If you believe that anyone who doesn’t accept Jesus Christ as their personal Savior is doomed to Hell, then dating a Buddhist or a Muslim presents significant obstacles.

Maria was a devout Catholic and always assumed she would marry a Catholic man.  She met Jim who was a lapsed Lutheran and fell in love with him.  As they started talking about their wedding, they began to see obstacles that could plague them for the rest of their lives. 

For instance, Maria wanted to be married by a priest in a Catholic church.  That made Jim uncomfortable because he had no familiarity with the Catholic church.  When the priest told Jim he wouldn’t be permitted to take Communion at his own wedding, he balked.

That lead Jim and Maria to talk about other issues that they would face as a married couple.  For instance, Jim wanted to raise his kids to be exposed to a variety of faith traditions and think critically about religion in general.  Maria wanted to raise good Catholics.

As Jim and Maria began to discuss these issues, they realized that their initial attraction for each other was being dragged down by the issue of spiritual compatibility.  Maria began to see a priest for counseling and ultimately realized that she would be happier with a man who shared her faith and Catholic values.

Article 4 in this series will continue with "work compatibility issues" during a romantic relationship.

Article 2 In The Series of Articles On Compatibility In A Relationship

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Intellect

People have different desires for the intellect of their partners.  Some people want to be in a relationship with someone who is their intellectual peer while others want to feel smarter than their partner.  Still others like to look up to someone who is smarter than they are.

Jaclyn had her master’s degree in Special Education and was a master teacher at a local high school.  She taught future teachers at the university part time as well. 

Robert was an electrician who had a 12th grade education and an apprenticeship following high school.  While he had business and street smarts, he wasn’t particularly intellectual. 

Whenever the disparity in education came up, Robert liked to point out to Jaclyn that despite her additional years at the university, he still made twice what she did. 

If Robert and Jaclyn are going to succeed long term, they have to come to grips with the fact that they have different kinds of intellect and that they can value the ways in which the other is smart.

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Emotions

Do you put strong value on your emotions?  If you do, this may be an area of compatibility to consider.

Jon made decisions based on “gut feelings.”  He once quit a job because he knew “instinctively” that he and the new manager would not get along.  He liked spontaneous activities.  Jon’s idea of an ideal vacation would be to set out on a road trip with no destination in mind.

Then he met Donna, who was so methodical that she worked blow drying her hair into the calendar on the iPhone she carried everywhere.  When faced with a big decision, she would agonize over it for days or even weeks making lists of the “pros” and the “cons.”

Jon and Donna had a long way to go in blending their emotional personalities in their relationship.  Jon was an emoter while Donna was tighter with her feelings.  Jon could say “I love you” a lot sooner in the relationship than could Donna.

While it seems on the surface that Jon has more emotional needs, Donna may have the more significant issues.  Her emotional needs are screened behind defenses that make her less vulnerable.

Donna was able to be freer in her feelings through Jon’s love and encouragement, but she needed him to meet her part of the way. 

Finances

Debbie was the classic “paycheck to paycheck” spender.  She would see a purse that she “had” to have and think nothing about pulling out a credit card and buying it, even if she didn’t know where the money was going to come from.  She loved nights out with the girls and traveled frequently.  Sometimes when things got too tight, she’d hit up her parents for a loan that somehow never got paid back.

Rick had an impoverished background and had put himself through college by working two jobs.  He was proud of the fact that he had not taken out student loans for his education.  At age 36, his only loan was a mortgage on a home where the monthly payment was under market rates for a similar rental.

Nevertheless, Debbie and Rick met at a speed dating event.  He was drawn to her openness and she liked the fact that he seemed so well put together.

At first, Debbie liked everything about him except that he didn’t seem to want to spend money on her.  It made Rick nervous that Debbie seemed to spend money on everything.

Finally, they had a talk about finances.  Debbie freely admitted that when one credit card was maxed out, the sensible thing to do was to apply for another.  She was stunned to find out that Rick thought a car should be bought with cash, even if it meant waiting six years for a new one.

After “the talk” Rick and Debbie started growing apart.  They started noticing other things that they didn’t like in their relationship.  The fact was that their spending habits were too different to make a strong relationship work.

Tomorrow's article will pick up on the "sociability issues" in this series of articles on comparability in a romantic relationship but dont wait look at this Free Video about relationship.

Article 1 In the Series of Articles On Compatibility

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When you first start to date, you may feel that everything “fits” between you and your new girlfriend or boyfriend.  You notice everything that you have in common and gloss over your differences.  Because you want to please and impress your new partner, you may pretend to like or dislike things that you feel will please him or her.  For instance, a man may go cheerfully to the ballet with a woman while she watches football with him.  This is totally about their infatuation with each other and not their natural interests.

People are also careful with their behavior in the beginning.  For instance, he may not wear socks with holes in the toes because it might embarrass her.  She may agree to sex more frequently than she likes to please him.

But eventually the rose colored glasses come off and the efforts to win the other person tend to settle down.  At that point, a couple may look at each other and think, “do we really have anything in common?”

But, having put so much into the relationship, they might think they have to stick it out. 

But, at some point, the issues you have been ignoring become unavoidable.  You can no longer pretend that they don’t exist.

This report will look at the basic compatibility issues.  Specifically, we will examine 12 dimensions of compatibility and how they relate to romantic relationships.

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Physical Attraction

The first thing Kyle noticed about Rhonda was her long blond hair.  He liked the way it swirled around her face, framing and giving definition to it.  He went over to her in the bar based on that initial attraction alone.

Rhonda didn’t think Kyle was all that attractive at first.  After he bought her a couple of drinks though, she began to relax.  Despite having too short hair and some acne scars, she began to see some of the physically attractive things about him.  For instance, she saw just how expressive his eyes were and how his shy smile told her worlds about him.

Kyle and Rhonda have different standards for the importance of physical attractiveness in their mates.

Rhonda will probably have to work harder to keep up appearances to keep Kyle’s interest than Kyle will to keep hers.  Rhonda will look at other compatibility aspects to determine whether she is satisfied with the relationship.

The continuation of this series of articles on "compatibility issues during a romantic relationship", will pick up tomorrow discussing "Intellect" in your romantic relationship. Fast start to a loving relationship is >THIS<

Will My Ex Be Back:Article 3 In Communication

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Observe the body language and gestures that the speaker makes.  It is not unusual for words to convey one message and body language to signal another.  When there is a disconnect between words and body language, you should ask what is really going on.

Here’s a primer to some common body language:

• Arms crossed across chest – this protective posture often means that the person is feeling anxious or nervous.  He may also be protecting himself from perceived verbal attack.

• Hands in pockets – he may be restraining himself from certain actions or words.

• Clenched fist – very angry at the situation.

• Exposes palm to you – open to what you are saying

• Looks at you in the eye – interested in you and attracted to you.

• Mirroring body language – agrees with you.

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You should also aim to be an empathic listener.  If you are an empathic listener, you will be able to identify with the speaker.  This means that you have to truly pay attention.  A conversation where two people are expressing their viewpoints without listening and responding is ineffective.  One test of this is if your response is formed before the other person has finished speaking, you are not being an empathic listener.

Watch your own body language as well when you are listening.  If your legs are crossed and arms are folded protectively across your chest, you are probably not open to your partner’s message.  If you are relaxed and leaning slightly toward the speaker, you are encouraging communication with your body language.

In the vacation example at the beginning of this section, imagine what would have happened if the conversation had gone like this:

Wife: I want to go to Hawaii on vacation.

Husband: Hmm.  I’ve been thinking about vacation too.  But, I’ve been leaning more toward a big city.  I’d like to see New York.

Wife: Hmm.  New York, huh.  I know there’s a lot to do there a lot to do there, but I kind of need the relaxation of the beach this summer.

Husband: I understand that.  You’ve been pretty stressed and New York’s not a restful place.  But, you know, I’ve been really wanting to check out the new Yankee stadium, especially in the opening season.

Wife: Well, American Airlines has a discount on airfares right now.  Maybe we can do Hawaii on a budget and then you and your brother can make a weekend trip to New York to see the Yankees later in the summer.

In this case, both parties are listening to each other and may be able to come to a satisfactory solution to their needs.

Article 4 in this series picks up on "Giving Feedback and Showing Appreciation" tomorrow, same time, same place.
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Article 2 and Continuation of Article 1 on Communication

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Where Article 1 left off:

Don’t fall into the trap of accusing your partner of things.  Instead, tell them what you need.  Here’s two scenarios:

1.) You always leave the toilet seat up.
2.) I need you to put the toilet seat down.


When you use the second statement, you don’t accuse your husband of anything, you simply state a need.  This is far less threatening.

These are so called “I” statements.  When you say what you need rather than tell your partner that he has deficiencies, you are more likely to get him to cooperate.  Why put him on the defensive?  Instead, allow him the opportunity to please you.

Another tip is to frame your questions so your partner can answer them with the information you need.  If you have a “strong silent type” for a partner who likes to give “yes” and “no” answers, this is a useful communication technique.

Consider the following two scenarios:

1.) Do you want to go to the barbeque this weekend?
2.) I’m getting the idea that you don’t want to go to the barbeque.  Can you tell me why not?

The first statement will elicit a yes or no answer that doesn’t give you any good information.  The second asks for your partner’s reasoning process.

Direct communication means that you don’t drop hints, cajole, say one thing when you mean another, and engage in verbal manipulation.  All of these are barriers to clear understanding.  When you communicate indirectly, you will undoubtedly have misunderstandings and resentments because neither person feels understood or accepted by the other.

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Active Listening

Consider this conversation:

Wife: I want to go to Hawaii on vacation.

Husband: I want to go to New York instead.

Wife: The beaches in Hawaii are so beautiful.

Husband: Not only are there great tourist sights to take in during the day, we can go to Broadway shows at night.  Also, I’d love to take in a game at the new Yankee stadium.

Wife: American Airlines has a special on flights to Hawaii right now.

This couple is just talking past each other.  They might as well go on separate vacations for all their conversation is worth.

As important as it is to say what you want, it is also important to hear what your partner is saying.  In a conversation, you shouldn’t be just waiting for a time to get your next word in.  You should try to understand what your partner is saying.

Part of this is merely courtesy.  Once you have had the opportunity to state a position, your partner has the right to state his.  It is only in the give and take that you can find a position that makes sense in terms of the larger relationship.  Active listening means that you process what your partner is really saying.

And this goes beyond mere words.  Observe the body language and gestures that the speaker makes.  It is not unusual for words to convey one message and body language to signal another.  When there is a disconnect between words and body language, you should ask what is really going on.

Article 3 in this series of article on communication will go into "Body Language".

Ps. Give yourself break up and make up advice from the man that has helped over 51 000 people in 77 countries;)

Will My Ex Be Back:Article 7 On The Art of Seduction

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Physical Fitness is Seductive

There are many reasons to get in shape including better health, more energy, and a longer life.  But, it has an added bonus – better sex.

Exercise is an aphrodisiac.  Physical activity both relaxes and energizes you which are both important conditions for feeling seductive.  It also enhances your sexuality by building strength and endurance which can lead to long lovemaking sessions.  Exercise releases endorphins in the brain which stimulate pleasure.

Eight out of 10 women exercisers believe their workout boosts their self confidence and 4 in 10 felt that they were more sexually aroused as a result.  3 in 10 said that they made love more often after starting an exercise regime.

In addition to the physical benefits of being in shape, there are psychological ones as well.  Both women and men can become sexually inhibited by a self conscious attitude of being overweight.  A woman may be concerned about her thighs or butt while a man can worry that his pot belly or love handles will turn his wife off.  Remember, feeling good about your body makes you project desire and desirability.

It is natural for couples to put on relationships when they get into committed relationships.  As a single person, you are worried about attracting a mate, so you keep your body in shape.  After you have landed a spouse, it becomes less important, in some people’s minds.

Additionally, the stress of every day life gets in the way of keeping fit.  The additional responsibilities that marriage brings can destroy a fitness routine. 

But, if you and your mate become too relaxed with each other, it can lead to problems in bed.  If this is the case, start to be physical again together.  Take easy walks with each other and build up to a joint gym membership or take up activities such as tennis or golf.  When you work together to look and feel your best, it will make you sexier to each other.

Will My Ex Be Back

Conclusion

Remember that seduction isn’t just a game for new lovers.  You can set the mood for better sex, deeper intimacy and greater understanding when you learn the art of seduction for married people.

Keep in mind that you need to awaken all five senses in order to be sensuous and seductive.  At first, pay attention to sight, taste, touch, smell and sound around you.  Work up to heighten these senses vis a vis your lover.

Don’t stop flirting with your partner just because you have a ring.  Flirting helps you maintain a little mystery in the relationship.

Sensuous meals are not just romantic dinners.  They can help to create an environment which builds sexual attraction.

Whispering loving endearments can be as important in a relationship as having good kissing skills.  Keep in mind that studies have shown that couples who have loving pillow talk in bed tend to have more satisfying relationships overall.

Finally, exercise is an aphrodisiac.  Stay in shape in order to reap sexual and health benefits.

Karen and Dave – the couple you met at the beginning of these articles – began to put some of these tips into practice.  Karen began to develop all of her senses.  Dave decided never to bring work to read in bed and spend that as “together time” with Karen.  They dropped Molly off with Karen’s parents for an evening and planned a sensuous dinner. 

When they put these changes into effect, their relationship improved dramatically.  They started to reconnect in a way that hadn’t happened since the early days of their courtship.  It was almost like falling in love all over again.

Never stop seducing one another.  That’s the key to a long lasting, loving, and sexually fulfilled relationship.
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